The Darker Side of Rome
by Lethe Jinx, the Black Night Werecat
In the night, a flash of steel, a glint of metal, a scream. Between the high buildings, in the dark alleys filled with shadows, monsters had a habit of roaming.
Of course, monstrous though they may be, but human and mortal they still were.
A red pool spread outwards as a hidden face smirked in victory. Footsteps sounded and a figure slipped out of the darkness, into the Mainway that was usually avoided by most of the nightly crowd of Rome.
The figure wandered past lanterns hung high, and in the light, one could see his face - handsome, dark, with high cheek bones and an aristocratic face. He looked like someone who would not be out of place flirting with the women of the Court and yet, here he had just been, in a alleyway, committing murder.
The man left the lantern-light, and headed for a house several blocks away. He took out a key, and opened the lock, walking in as if he owned the place.
Problem was, he didn't.
The woman he had just killed, one Madam Clomia II, was the owner of this house. He had been courting her, flirting with her, leading her one until he could take advantage of her massive wealth and power, ridding himself of her simpering personality.
He had was he wanted now. He smiled, a cold smile, sickle-sharp, that never reached his eyes.
Throwing his coat onto the back of an ornate armchair, he looked around, feeling powerful, victorious, invincible. There was nothing that could stop him now, nothing. First he would enter the Senate, then the Emperor's most trusted circle of advisers, before taking the Emperor's position himself, like he had always deserved. His smirk turned into a grin, before he suddenly laughed, a high, maniacal laugh that would spread ice into the veins of any and all who heard it.
Oh yes. He could taste it. All of that power, just his for the taking. And he would have it.
—-
Two days later, a familiar man hung from the gallows, his neck snapped from his own weight. Below him, there was a placard, with sharp, hard letters carved into it, spelling words that read:
//Lord Neodamus IV, killed for treason and conspiracy to the Crown. Senatus Populesque Romanus.
Fin.//
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi it's me teacake013 here to review.
I thoroughly and truthfully enjoy your work it was unique!:)
I'm not here to judge your work, so I'll tell you
I know it takes a lot to publish you're works so I respect that completely.
In you're work pacifically I enjoyed how you chose a topic that you seem
To understand and have a good grasp on.
It was a topic that I saw you put allot of thought in.
Hope you keep on improving and writing you're heart out!.!
Love, Teacake013
△⃒⃘2 Cool 2 Care➶
I want more! That's what this needs. Flesh your story out, make your chraracter's real- give them powerful goals, fears and flaws. You've already done this on some level, but it just needs more. The description is wonderful and I admit I grew fond of your MC until he, well... yes, but as I was saying, the story is more like a music video. It's pretty, it's sharp, it's gorgeous but it needs to play out a little longer and let your reader into this characters cunning mind. How did the relationship with the woman play out? Did he want even more power?
Keep writing! I can see the potential.
Hey BNW! Clickdun here representing Saturday's Heapings of Helping! :3 Let's talk about your story...
This sentence is an incredibly bumpy read. Try something with more of a structure, as this seems to be the beginning to three sentences instead of a complete thought.I won't lie to you, I'm confused. This whole story seems rushed, like you had an idea but once you started pumping the words out your mind went to sleep. It's not that I don't like the story, I do, but there doesn't seem to be anything that I want to read about.
First off, this is a character, and not just a character, your main character. You want him to feel as realistic as possible. And you haven't. You've given him an objective, a goal. But what about him? What about the fact that he's a real person, that just happens to not exist.
To make a character believable one should apply conflict, as in:
He wants A.) but he can't have it because of B.) but if he does C.) than he can get it.
Another way to look at it for a complete story arc is like this:
1. A character is in a zone of comfort.
2. But they want something.
3.They enter an unfamiliar situation,
4. Adapt to it,
5. Get what they wanted,
6. Pay a heavy price for it,
7. Then return to their familiar situation,
8. Having changed.
This method of plotting is called the "Harmon Circle." It's a simple little chart and can really help with your stories.
Another way to make a character less two-dimensional is to simply add little hobbies that they have that do not at all effect the plot. Perhaps they like to collect trinkets, or maybe the burn down trinket stores. Whatever you wish.
Let's get some nitpicks out of the way:
Try this "The night's darkness concealed the flash of steel, but what it did not conceal was the scream that came after." That reads better.
You also don't need that "glint of metal" thing as it's redundant as it's the same as "a flash of steel" just different wording.
An flows better than A
Put an and before invincible.
The comma after laughed and high are both unnecessary.
Okay, finally, let's talk about your story.
Again, your story seems unstructured. It feels like a Jenga tower that's ready to fall. We saw this dude, and he killed a lady so he could be rich, but he wanted the throne, so he died.
That's not exactly a structure. Try adding a beginning where his goals and plans are better presented, and then add a middle where it goes wrong, and an end where he get's caught, so he dies.
I don't know, that just sounds like it has more of an effective way of completing your story.
Look back at that harmon circle and try to form your story around similar rules.
No matter it's flaws, I did like this story and loved reading it. You are truly talented as a writer and I'm always excited to see that.
~ Lord Clickdun ~
Very dark, but very interesting. The beginning grabs you in and doesn't let go until the very end. I especially like the end. He felt all powerful, but it just sort of vanished beneath him. It's surprising, because the man you described seemed to be determined and deadly. I especially like the adjective "sickle-sharp". It gives the impression of an evil smile very well. Nice job!